Overparenting and unhappy

Have you cut your child’s food when he was more than capable of doing it, like at age 10? Have you hired a tutor to help your child with homework because she earned a B+ on one test? If you answered, “yes” to one or both you may be guilty of overparenting, an ailment that has plagued the most well-meaning parents. Julie Lythcott-Haims author of How to Raise an Adult and former dean of students at Stanford University, writes “not only does overparenting hurt our children; it harms us, too. Parents today are scared, not to mention exhausted, anxious, and depressed.”

We, as parents, are increasingly setting unrealistic expectations for our children and ourselves.  We gauge our success on that of peers- at least what we perceive it to be-leading to benchmarking against unattainable goals. This we do in an effort to provide a happier more fulfilled life for our children.

How often have you thought to yourself I just want my child to be happy?

As Jennifer Senior author of All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood astutely notes “raising happy children is an elusive aim compared to the more concrete aims of parenting in the past: creating competent children in certain kinds of work; and creating morally responsible citizens who fulfill a prescribed set of community obligations. The fact is, those bygone goals are probably more constructive--and achievable. Not all children will grow up to be happy, in spite of their parents' most valiant efforts, and all children are unhappy somewhere along the way.”

What can you do to ‘right the ship’ by empowering your child and taking some of the burden off of you?
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Julie Lythcott-Haim offers some tips for helping your child build self-efficacy and you to find balance in your parenting role:

1. Be aware of the pronouns you use when sharing about your child: “If you’re saying “we” when you really mean your kid—“we’re” on the soccer team, “we’re” doing a science project, “we’re” applying to college—stop. These actions and endeavors belong to our sons and daughters. Don’t diminish their sense of accomplishment by behaving as if you had something to do with it. Don’t diminish their developing competence by actually having had too much to do with it.”
2. Allow your child to do his or her own work: “If you’re doing your children’s work for them—correcting the math, rewriting the essay, filling out the applications—stop. Teach them, yes, but if you do the work for them outright they’ll never learn. Also, if you do your child’s homework the teacher has no idea what your kid actually knows or understands. And, it’s unethical.
3. Teach your child to be respectful: “If you’re constantly intervening with adult authority figures—teachers, principals, coaches, referees— stop. For the most part these are competent and capable adults trying to do their jobs. We should teach our kids to respect authority, and in those occasional instances when there is a problem—a school project that seems to have been graded unfairly, for example—we need to teach them how to have that conversation themselves.”

For more tips, refer to the article Ready. Set. Let Go. by Julie Lythcott-Haims.